OTTAWA – Realizing the traumatic nature of the current pandemic, Justin Trudeau has sought to further reassure Canadians by delivering his daily address in a whispering tone designed to elicit autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR.
“I know this is a trying time but as Canadians we must pull together.” whispered Trudeau into a microphone, while combing his hair “That’s why I wanted to add a little tingle to everyone’s quarantine.”
Government officials provided an official definition of ASMR, which is a mildly euphoric experience such as tingling that is triggered by certain visual and audio stimuli. The spokesperson from the Prime Ministers Office also reiterated ASMR is not a sex thing.
“For me it is definitely a sex thing,” said Toronto resident Jess Brison.
Over the last week Trudeau has described Quebec’s high infection rate while gently crinkling some paper, announced the passage of a wage subsidy bill with a mouth full of food and stressed the importance of continuing social distancing while softly stroking an N95 mask.
“I’m not sure how to describe it, I get a kind of a pins and needles feeling when he talks.” said Langley resident Lara Lane “I don’t know if I like it but it definitely takes my mind off how society is completely collapsing.”
Taking a different approach, Andrew Scheer has stated that, in order to provide a sense of normalcy to Canadians, he will continue to communicate with the same whiny, annoying voice he did before the pandemic.