Rogers unveils new “Worse Than Your Current Plan” plans
TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on. Rogers’ new Wor…
SNC-Lavalin wins Ottawa LRT bid with a blank sheet of paper for proposal
OTTAWA – The City of Ottawa has confirmed SNC-Lavalin will construct Stage 3 of the Ottawa LRT after submitting a blank sheet of paper as a design. Despite lacking any details on trains, tr…
In lieu of speaking French, Peter MacKay to run his nails down a chalkboard
HALIFAX – Conservative Party leadership hopeful Peter MacKay has decided to stop speaking in one of Canada’s official languages by substituting his French with the screeching noise made by …
Mum just calling to check you don’t have coronavirus
Oakville, ON — While she’s sure you’d be in touch if anything was wrong, your mum just called to check you don’t have coronavirus. “I’ve heard it’s been going around and I wanted to be sure,” she…
Bell CEO’s mental health dramatically improves after millions of dollars of free advertising
TORONTO – Bell Canada Enterprises CEO Mirko Bibic’s mental health improved substantially after seeing the millions of dollars generated from #BellLetsTalk, a free advertising campaign…
Kale reveals the real superfoods are the ones that go out every day and do their jobs
TORONTO – On the eve of being named Superfood of the Year, Kale revealed in an exclusive interview that the real superfoods are the ones who get out there every day and do their jobs. “I’m no her…
Report: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than coronavirus
TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spre…
Senate enters swimsuit competition portion of Trump impeachment trial
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office, the impeachment trial is now set to move on to…
Nation’s serial killers offended by how sexualized they are in film and television
LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media. “It seems people would rather d…
“There’s no money in the arts,” scoffs man who just paid $1,000 for Hamilton tickets
TORONTO – Jon Hudson, a financial district lawyer, was overheard yesterday at a restaurant commenting on how the arts weren’t a worthwhile pursuit because they weren’t profitable. He quickly foll…
