Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal

In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world’s flat earthers, Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion: maybe it’s time for all of us to agre…

Eglinton LRT construction extended just long enough to be cancelled at last minute

TORONTO — With the recent announcement that the long-under-construction Eglinton LRT will be completed in 2022, the TTC has assured riders that this is only to ensure that the entire projec…

Alberta announces it will only protect the most profitable wildlife

EDMONTON – Citing the mounting cost to taxpayers, Alberta’s UCP government announced that it will be only be protecting wildlife that can turn a profit. Environment Minister Jason Nixon sai…

Coronavirus Update: Hand sanitizer shortage has more people boiling their hands for five minutes

TORONTO – A critical shortage of hand sanitizer caused by coronavirus fears has more people taking the precaution of placing their hands in boiling hot water for five minutes. With shelves …

Team Canada to be divided based on petty regional differences

OTTAWA – The Canadian Olympic Committee announced the 2020 Olympic team will be divided into several separate teams based on petty regional differences and long standing disputes between pr…

Man who took 30 years to win one state considered “electable”

SOUTH CAROLINA – Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party and the “man to beat,” following a primary win in South Carolina that only took him a third of a century t…

BlogTO real excited about that new Starbucks

TORONTO — Toronto’s online source for local culture, restaurant reviews and the best of the city is reportedly real excited about the new Starbucks opening up in Commerce Court. “Wow, this is coo…

Man screaming on roller coaster just listening to Goosebumps on audiobook

ANAHEIM, CA – After strapping in to ride the Incredicoaster at Disneyland with a group of fellow theme park thrill seekers, Toronto native Charles Hernandez’s screams were revealed to be ca…

Doctors recommend that you cover your mouth when you cough you disgusting piece of shit

Hamilton, ON – After a decades long study, doctors at McMaster University’s Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine have found that to prevent the spread of bacteria and viruses you sh…

Telus threatens to euthanize animals if CRTC approves mobile virtual network operators

OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses, they should do as he says, Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile v…