NASHVILLE – Police officers across North America are scared and confused by the feeling that public opinion has turned against them for no reason other than the countless unpunished murders committed by members of their unaccountable militarized forces.
“I’ve been a cop for fifteen years, and this is the most anxious I’ve ever felt doing the job,” said Sergeant Dave Phillips of the Nashville Police Department. “Any minute someone might call me a pig or flip me the bird. No amount of Kevlar, riot shields, or armoured vehicles can protect me from the hurt of harsh words,” he said, wiping his eyes.
“After everything we’ve done for the public – randomly stopping cars to keep Black drivers in line or helping guide protests with smoke grenades – I don’t know why they’re angry,” said Captain Stan Garvey. “It feels like a real shot in the back. And I know, because I’ve shot four suspects in the back.”
Fears are so widespread that cops are too scared to get fast food out of concern that the meal may be tampered with – or fear that they might get caught tampering with their own food in a bid to get public sympathy.
“I don’t have qualified immunity against spit in my burger the way I did against the family that tried to sue me for the death of their son in custody,” said Officer Trudy Gibson.
Mike O’Meara, president of the New York Police Benevolent Association, came to the defense of his beleaguered colleagues by angrily shouting at the public for respect.
“Stop treating us like animals and thugs! Keeping you worthless vermin safe is our job, and it demands respect! Anyone who disrespects one of my brothers or sisters in the force gets a beating – and not the special kind that doesn’t leave marks!”
One anonymous officer summed it up like this: “It’s a war out there. Us versus them. With them being unarmed citizens who are maybe jaywalking or jogging near white people. Civilians don’t get it. Not the way us police and military get it,” he said while holding his finger on the trigger of his rifle in a way no one with military training ever would.
At press time, police unions declared the only solution to the proliferation of videos of police violence is to shoot the phones out of the hands of bystanders.