Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Local hamster, Peaches Whitaker, took a moment to celebrate eight months of social isolation, spending her entire life thus far in a tiny plastic cage. “Eight-months baby!…

Airlines announce jet demolition derby to make up lost revenue

TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses, plummeting stock prices, idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition d…

TTC adequate for first time in 40 years

TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit syst…

Missing: Anti-Vaxxers

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Amidst the spread of COVID-19, regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic. “It’s weird,” said local systems anal…

Place you bought Jeans from six months ago wants you to know they’re doing everything they can to combat Covid-19

Markham, ON – In an urgent email sent out this morning, the place you bought jeans from six months ago wants you to know there is absolutely nothing they value more than your health and wel…

Health Canada allows furry convention to proceed as planned

OTTAWA – In spite of recommendations restricting large gatherings of people to slow the spread of COVID-19, Health Canada has given the go-ahead to the upcoming furry convention Furtive Gla…

Quarantined man celebrates St Patrick’s Day by doing keg stand alone in his living room

KINGSTON – As cities around the world cancel their St. Patrick’s day festivities over coronavirus concerns, one Queen’s University student was determined to stick to his initial plans respo…

Man on week-long social media break wonders why no one is at this awesome buffet

NEWMARKET, ON – Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph’s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty. “I can’t …

Canada announces it will exclusively import COVID-19 from US

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that all forms of coronavirus coming from outside from the country must come from American citizens. “Today, we are announcing that an…

Employees at home working hard at pretending to work

OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work. “I could read these documents that my manager sent t…