WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US president has once again brought his considerable business acumen to bear on matters of international diplomacy by successfully persuading Russian President Vladimir Putin to lower the amount of the bounty a Russian military intelligence unit has placed on coalition forces in Afghanistan by 2%.
“Putin is a strong leader, great leader, very strong leader, tremendous leader,” Trump said in a press conference to announce his strategic victory. “But I’m better,” he said, winking into a portable lighting rig that he likely believed was a camera.
“So I call him up, I said to him, Vlad – I call him Vlad, because he considers me his best friend, so I call him Vlad, he likes that – I said to him, you can’t keep paying those guys, the Talibans, so much money to kill American soldiers. Our bounties are the biggest in the world, most people don’t know that. And he said something in Russian. I didn’t quite catch the translation, something about me being strong, I believe.”
“We talked about me being strong for a while, then he had to go, he had to run to the gremlin, I don’t know who that is, maybe his wife? Some Russian women are very beautiful though. Isn’t my wife beautiful? Looks just like my daughter.” Trump then spent the next twenty minutes ranking his children on looks and intelligence until one of his aides prompted him to describe the rest of his phone call with Putin.
“Putin, he’s a great guy. Tremendous. So just as the call was about to end, I asked him to lower the bounty on our soldiers. He offered to get rid of it altogether, but I knew that’s what he wanted me to ask him for. Can’t let the other side have everything they want, gotta keep them on their toes, that’s negotiating 101. So I asked for a 10% lowering of the bounty and we settled on 2%. He never even knew what hit him,” Trump said.
“All he asked for in return was that the US let him have Ukraine, which I believe Russia already owns – did we check on that? Yes, we checked on that. Russia already owns Ukraine, so that’s a very good deal I made.”
When asked by a reporter why he insisted on allowing Russia to rejoin the G7 knowing they’d been offering to pay Afghan militants to kill Americans, Trump called the reporter who asked the question disgusting before asking her if she had a husband and if her husband knew how disgusting she was.