Château Laurier adds emergency eyewash stations for those disgusted with addition
OTTAWA – The Château Laurier has added ten new emergency eye wash stations for locals and tourists alike in the event their eyes come in direct contact with the newly approved addition. Wit…
Woman devastated to be excluded from activity she hates
CALGARY — In an unprecedented level of betrayal, Simone Walkins was excluded by several women, whom she thought to be her closest friends, from a Mud Run – an activity they know she d…
Regretful voting machine lobby realizes Mitch McConnell would have blocked election security bills for free
WASHINGTON – Lobbyists for the companies that make electronic voting machines used in American elections are apologizing profusely to the industry that funds them for wasting money attempti…
Irvings demand entire province of New Brunswick stand on one foot
FREDRICTON — The entire province of New Brunswick has been ground to a halt after influential billionaire family the Irvings ordered all residents to stand on one foot. Across the province,…
“I agree with Andrew Scheer” says woman who just used a shockingly out of date racial slur
MADAWASKA COUNTY, NB — As a “Community Residents of Orchard Road’s Association” meeting came to a close, Donna Trapmen finished off her final conversation of the evening by admi…
Heartwarming: City of Calgary donates $275M to local billionaire
CALGARY – In the midst of an economic downturn that has negatively affected many Calgarians, the City of Calgary has decided to open its heart, and its wallet, with a pledge to spend $275 m…
Man who lost Conservative Party leadership by less than 1% proposes border fence
MISSISSAUGA – A former party member who placed a very close second in the Conservative leadership race in 2017 has proposed a border fence to block asylum seekers from crossing the border. …
In testimony, Robert Mueller reaffirms commitment to never saying or doing anything helpful
WASHINGTON D.C. — Speaking yesterday to two House Committees, Special Counsel Robert Mueller boldy restated his pledge to never ever take any action that would possibly help to hold Preside…
7 movies to watch before you die tomorrow at dawn
2001: A Space Odyssey. North by Northwest. 400 Blows. Cinema is filled with classics, but these days there’s too much to watch in one lifetime. Especially when the beasts want you dead! Here’s se…
Scheer promises to add milk chugging challenge to Canadian food guide
OTTAWA – At a press conference held earlier today, Leader of the Conservative Party, Andrew Scheer, promoted the inclusion of consuming several litres of whole milk in less than an hour int…