Following social distancing rules toughest for Canadians trapped in a human centipede

A CRAZY DOCTOR’S LABORATORY – As various levels of government continue to advise Canadians to follow social distancing rules, officials admit that this can be very challenging for some, lik…

Women rejoice as men mandated to stay 6ft away

TORONTO – As a result of COVID-19 social distancing women are rejoicing as men have been required to stay at least 6 ft away. Relieved to have some downtime from cat-calling Craig’s, lurkin…

Conservatives worry federal benefits may discourage some Canadians from going back to indentured servitude

OTTAWA – As the federal government pleads with Canadians to continue respecting pandemic measures, the opposition Conservatives are warning that emergency aid could discourage some Canadian…

New Twilight novel leads to mass riots as world forced to choose between Edward and Jacob once again

FORKS, WA – Fifteen years after the vampire-romance novel Twilight was published, author Stephanie Meyer has announced that a prequel will be released this August. The news of the upcoming …

Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is

LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if a…

Saskatchewan reopens just as local woman finishes disastrous DIY haircut

SASKATOON – The government of Saskatchewan declared the province officially reopened for business today, moments after resident Ilana Shaw finished giving herself the worst haircut of all t…

Trump frankly disappointed more haven’t died yet

WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic, a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “actually kind of annoyed” that the death toll…

Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians

OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures, thousands of salons nationwide have closed down. Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments, women have begun floodi…

Snowbirds boost morale by scaring the shit out of everyone

FREDERICTON, NB – In an effort to improve national morale during the COVID-19 crisis, the Canadian Forces Snowbirds have embarked on a countrywide tour starting today in New Brunswick. The …

Exhausted nurse can’t wait to come home to neighbourhood kids banging on pots and pans for five minutes straight

WINDSOR – Exhausted nurse Lucia Ramierez addressed reporters this morning to announce she simply cannot wait to come home from her sixteen hour shift, rife with tragedy, to all the neighbou…