OTTAWA – As Andrew Scheer’s terms as Conservative Party leader nears its end, party brass has decided to give the departing leader a special sendoff: permission to re-open the abortion debate for funzies.
“It’s hard to find a fitting sendoff for a guy who did his job very badly, stole money from the party, and drank milk in such a repellent way on national television. But hey, civility in politics, what are ya gonna do?” a party insider commented, under the condition of anonymity. “We have to do something for the guy. And I think on special occasions all Conservatives like to let our hair down and do a little oppression, as a treat.”
The party considered other sendoff options for Scheer before letting him attempt to take away the reproductive rights of Canadians. A mass toast to Paw Patrol and capitalism seemed impersonal, and a commemorative butter statue was deemed “not wet enough.” Backbenchers suggested Scheer, a Simpsons fan, might enjoy a flashmob of the whole party doing the Bartman, but others were concerned he might miss the reference.
“Some guys do fantasy football, but for Andy, there’s nothing he loves more than a Sunday afternoon tinker with his hardline right-wing fantasy abortion legislation.” The insider said. “Implementing draconian medical restrictions is his life’s passion. And besides, Peter MacKay promised he’d shut it down immediately and replace it with a big, juicy fall election. Everybody wins.”
But are Conservatives concerned that this move will affect public perception of the party going forward?
“Absolutely not. The guy is like, terminally incompetent,” Said the insider. “It’s Andrew Scheer’s Make-a-Wish: he gets to have a little fun for a day but ultimately, his trajectory ain’t changing. Look at April Fool’s day, or that town that made that kid Batman, or the Purge – those all lasted just a day, and they all worked out just fine.”
Scheer’s exact post-retirement plans are unknown, but surrogates suggest he’s already spending weekends in his garage trying to build a Rube Goldberg machine that would make gay marriage illegal again.