WASHINGTON – Sources confirm that US Senator, former prosecutor and California Attorney General, and lifelong career gal Kamala Harris has finally decided to share her ticket with someone.
“Sure, for a long time I told myself I could do better,” Harris stated. “I had such high standards. It was always, ‘I’m more dynamic and exciting than him!’ and ‘I demolished him in the debates!’ and ‘I didn’t author the most controversial and unpopular legislation of the last half century!’”
Thankfully, during one long, searching heart-to-heart, illuminated by the warm glow of aides’ laptop screens, Kamala realized all those first-ticket jitters were preventing her from getting into an administration that would really work for her.
“Plus he’s promised to try not to smell my hair at the Convention, so it’s nice to know he can grow.”
Kamala’s friends say they were nervous she would never find someone nice to run with.
“She was always putting her foot in her mouth whenever she talked to guys. One second she’d have them wrapped around her finger, telling them how much she admired their foreign policy agenda, then she’d totally blow it and say something mortifying like “I have serious concerns about the feasibility of your budget plan.”
“It was hard to watch.”
Indeed, the tumultuous will-they-won’t-they came to a head in an embarrassing peccadillo when Kamala mentioned her running-mate-to-be had tried to prevent the integration of de-facto segregated schools through bussing.
“It was in front of everyone! The whole office was there!” a friend of Biden’s told reporters. “It was like this chick was trying to make him look bad! Plus, afterwards, she didn’t call him to apologize, she didn’t send him a little note saying she liked what he did with Bosnia. Nothing. I told Joe, if she doesn’t show up with a limo and a dress and PROMISE to take you to the Clooneys’ fundraiser in Napa, you should lose her number!”
Fortunately, Kamala came around, swayed by her running mate’s soft voice, friendly demeanour, and pretty strong likelihood of not being competent to run in 2024.
Kamala’s friends are reportedly relieved that she has finally stopped waiting around for the perfect running mate. “Let’s face it, when it comes to finding someone to share a ticket with you, men still hold a lot of power. You can be smarter, more morally committed and way more attractive than him, but at the end of the day, he’s the one who you have to impress. For some reason.”
“Look,” Kamala told reporters. “Right now, all I can think about is that big, wonderful day – when I’ll finally get to slow-motion eviscerate Mike Pence on National television.”