Editorial by Tiffany Renaldo
I finally got the nose that I have dreamt about, but no one has even seen it because of these damn masks! Normally in March my Daddy sends me on a trip to Barbados, but this year I convinced him to get me my new nose. Much to my surprise, when I woke up from my medically-induced slumber, there was a pandemic all the sudden?
Like, why is this happening to me?!
During my recovery I was totally fine wearing the mask because half my face was covered in bandages. But when Dr. Dorphmen unraveled me to reveal my thin Gwyneth Paltrow nose, I knew these masks had to go! I mean, I look hot as fuck and that’s more important than some flu.
I went out without a mask and proudly held my new nose high. You wouldn’t believe the dirty looks I got. Like, excuse me, I’m sorry you look like Owen Wilson. I even showed them my “I HAVE A NEW NOSE!!” card to get out of wearing it, but then they would call me “Karen”. I can’t stand being called Karen. That’s my Mom’s name and we don’t have a good relationship… after all, she’s responsible for my old nose.
So I got creative with my masks. First I wore it covering just my lips with my cute little newly-crafted button nose resting on top of it like a mint on a fresh pillow at the Ramada Inn (the nice one down by the airport).
I felt like I was really doing my part. But then I got this cute lipstick for free, with these new lip injections I got thanks to CERB. So my mask now fits comfortably around my chin! Everyone can see my new lips and nose. I feel like, SO safe wearing my mask.
I’ve tried various types of masks: Mesh (so cute), saran wrap (too poor), but my most creative mask work came just last week when I hit up the beach. I decided to wear three masks: two as a bikini top and one as bottoms. I was the talk of the beach. I felt like everyone wanted to see my new nose. Though I did have to say “boys, my new nose is up here”.
Overall, this has been so stressful for me. Like, getting a new nose is supposed to be all parties and compliments, but right now it feels like the entire world is against me. My “friends” keep telling me that I’m wearing the masks wrong and that I’m going to expose others to droplets that come out of my nose. Which is confusing to me ‘cause I can’t even breathe out of my new nose. That’s normal, right?