Goderich, ON — Since the COVID outbreak, the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing, arming their priests with holy water-guns, shooting from the hip to bring young children into the light of god with pin-point accuracy.
Though some priests bemoan this desperate and hilarious attempt at semblance of normal procedure, Father Wilson has chosen to find the fun of the situation.
“The water guns that the Vatican sent us were just piddly little things”, Wilson says. “They could barely shoot the six feet. So, I went on Amazon and found the Nerf Super Soaker XP100 Water Blaster. It’s pump action. I could baptize a kid two blocks away with this thing. Sure, it was $80 out of the collection plate, but it’s worth the results. These are some of the most Catholic babies I’ve ever seen.”
“Oh, wow. He really let the kid fucking have it”, confirmed Cameron Jones, on duty alter boy who witnessed the holy ritual. “And by “it”, I mean the love of god.”
Even after the baby was so covered in Christ’s love that his baptism gown was absolutely trashed, Father Wilson continued to really just level the kid. The spray looked like it could power wash a deck. He then claimed that no one is ever too old to reunite with the lord and gave each member of the Esparza family a quick pump-blast, before mercifully holstering his weapon.
“When he fully charges that thing, it really hurts”, complained Marla Esparza, mother to baby Darren Esparza. “At first I thought Darren was being fussy when he started crying, but then I took a shot to the neck and I thought it broke the skin!”
Not all parishioners seem satisfied with the church’s distancing measures, but Father Wilson assures they are doing the best they can.
“It’s not easy to know what’s best. The water guns are definitely better than the slip and slide baptisms we started with and WAY better than the slingshot Ash Wednesday. The whole congregation looked like Trudeau on Halloween. All faiths are struggling. Why don’t you pop by the synagogue and see how the social distance circumcisions are going?”