Government rejects universal basic income in favour of 3 minutes inside money booth
OTTAWA – The Canadian federal government has dismissed calls for the creation of a universal basic income as a response to the vast unemployment and economic upheaval caused by COVID-19, an…
Local Sommelier just fuckin’ guessing
Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bott…
Health Canada implements new rule that customers can only leave grocery stores with as much food as they can fit in their cheeks
OTTAWA – Amid widescale reports of hoarding and empty store shelves, the Federal Government has mandated that all grocery store customers can only purchase as much food as they can store in their…
Chris Hadfield really milking this “I’ve been to space” thing
TORONTO — Former astronaut and current public figure Chris Hadfield has once again found a way to shoehorn the fact that he spent 166 days outside of the Earth’s atmosphere into the p…
Man accused of sexual assault to win 2020 presidency
WASHINGTON DC – Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination, the path has been cleared fo…
Local man damned if he’s going to let self isolation motivate him to exercise
VANCOUVER — Local sales manager Brett Thomas has stated in no uncertain terms that he’s damned if he’s going to let his self isolation and time away from work motivate him to exercise. “I underst…
“We promise this article has nothing to do with COVID-19” by the Beaverton editorial board
To our devoted readers, hello, bonjour. We, at the Beaverton, can’t decide what’s worse: being inundated daily by negative news or instagram live notifications. Trust us – we are just as ti…
Conservative Party submits Doug Ford for tests, fearing he may have contracted socialism
Toronto, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has been submitted for extensive testing today after Conservative Party Executives expressed that he was beginning to exhibit symptoms of socialism. …
I know Tiger King was messed up, but I’m going to be the right sort of tiger owner
By: Dave Croft I think the documentary Tiger King, by focusing on people like Doc Antle, Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin, has skewed the public’s perception of tiger owners. Most of us are har…
Local woman claims daily routine of panic, anguish, and despair really helps to centre her
EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, …
