“The trick is confidence” says man who has never contributed anything useful to society
OTTAWA — Despite failing to contribute anything useful to society, Tom Phillips, 32, has said to anyone listening, that the secret to all success in life is merely “confidence”. “You gotta walk i…
$140 NHL app comes with all the regional blackouts fans never knew they wanted
TORONTO – With a new season of NHL underway, media conglomerate Rogers Communications and the League have reminded everyone to purchase an app that will showcase exciting regional blackouts…
“I’ll add it to the list!” promises man who has already forgotten what movie you’re talking about
VANCOUVER – John Sullivan, the man you are currently chatting with at a mutual friend’s party, has already completely forgotten the awesome movie you recommended he watch, despite the fact that h…
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today b…
Conservatives vow to cut $2.2 billion of foreign aid to Middle-earth
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer further outlined his foreign aid policies by announcing a $2.2 billion cut to Middle-earth, roughly 25% of Canada’s foreign assistance to other co…
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
YELLOWKNIFE – Polls indicate that a majority of Canadians would accept the results of today’s legislative election in NWT if it replaced the federal vote later this month. 87% of exhausted …
Queen announces ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ so done
LONDON – The iconic British poster exhorting citizens to ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ has reached its 2,000,000th recorded parodic variation, prompting Queen Elizabeth II to prohibit any more u…
Hamilton pleads for political demonstrators to save their violence for a Ti-Cats game
HAMILTON, ON – After a scuffle and screaming match in Hamilton yesterday, community leaders have asked local political demonstrators to reserve their hate and transgressions for a Tiger-Cat…
Trendy sex store introduces ketogenic edible underwear
DIDSBURY, AB – A local sex shop is updating its inventory in an effort to meet the demands of modern lifestyle trends. Melanie Ortassia, manager of the popular adult store “Sex, Drugs, and …