UFC Fight Island inhabitants resist allure of the Conch, establish socialist utopia

ABU DHABI – In the midst of preparation for UFC 251, officials and fighters have overcome the power of the bewitching Conch they stumbled upon, and set up a socialist system of government o…

Police baffled why public turned on them after countless murders

NASHVILLE – Police officers across North America are scared and confused by the feeling that public opinion has turned against them for no reason other than the countless unpunished murders…

Trudeau ends arrests for CERB fraud after discovering money is being hidden in foreign tax havens

OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau has ended his investigation into CERB fraud after his government discovered the money stolen is being hidden in foreign tax havens. The investigation began when the …

Jagmeet Singh kicked out of House for breaking parliamentary rules against telling the truth

OTTAWA – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh was removed from the House of Commons yesterday for violating the rule against saying true things about structural racism and MPs roles in upholding it. “T…

Canada directed to sit at UN kids table

NEW YORK CITY- After a long awaited period of deliberation at the United Nations table committee, Canada has once again been instructed to sit at the kids table during the UN security dinner. “Th…

Local man eats ghost pepper as excuse to finally cry around his friends

Hamilton, ON – Twenty-six year old Julian Tormeida was recently spotted on an endorphin fueled rush as he finally cried in front of his childhood friends due to the assistance of cleverly p…

Ontario Suburbanites urge province to allow social bubbles big enough for decent orgy

ONTARIO- Despite the Ontario government now permitting social gatherings of up to ten people, many in the suburbs are requesting the number be increased in order to enable worthwhile orgies. “You…

Quarantined fuckboi texts “U up?” endlessly into the void

TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit, local fuckboi Harold Borowitz, better known by self-proclaimed nickname “DJ Quicksand XII”, has reportedly sent so many unanswered “U up?” texts…

Aspiring writer makes it to screenwriting competition finals with 19,000 others

Fort McMurray, AB – Gallons of Dom Perignon were smashed with wanton destruction upon many a hypothetical yacht hull when local self-described ‘Jack Carowak’ Roger Pithy announced he had pr…

After careful deliberation, local man ready to deliver opinion no one asked for on Black Lives Matter movement

Morden, MB – Local man Henry Gittner has finally answered the non-existent calls for him to provide his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement and police brutality by writing a lengthy …