EDINBURGH, UK – Author J.K. Rowling, who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series, has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a new fantastical universe in which her toxic opinions on trans people have any basis in logic.
The novel in question, Troubled Blood, was written under her pen name Robert Galibraith and is 900 pages long due to the amount of rhetorical somersaults required to achieve the ambitious goal of depicting such an impossible setting.
“I am not transphobic whatsoever,” explained Rowling in a statement. “I just believe that it’s far too risky to give trans people rights, based on this story I made up about a man who dresses like a lady in order to kill people.”
Many ardent fans of the fantasy genre have struggled to wrap their heads around the plausibility of the concept for Rowling’s new book. “So wait, let me see if I can try and understand this,” said reader Dylan Gerrett. “On the one side there’s a historically marginalized group that is more likely to be the victims of murder than any other group, and on the other side there’s a billionaire author who is intentionally villainizing members of this at-risk group, and I’m supposed to empathize with the billionaire’s point of view?”
Rowling has pointed out that unlike one of her previous books that features a trans woman who attempts to commit murder, the villainous killer in Troubled Blood is not actually a trans woman, but rather a cis man who is dressed as a woman. Because of this, she explained, her intentional use of this fear mongering trope that has been used to demonise trans women for decades actually has nothing to do with trans issues.
Rowling went on to clarify that the greedy race that controls all the banks in the Harry Potter universe have hooked noses for no particular reason, and also that the slave race of house elves who like being slaves was a cool idea.
Rowling has announced that her next book will feature an even more unlikely fantasy premise: a world in which a generation of young people still look up to her.