OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its current policy of basic billions for CEOs.
“Justin Trudeau’s Liberals want to give hard-earned tax dollars to low-income Canadians just because they’re struggling in poverty,” said Conservative Finance Critic Pierre Poilievre. “There are needy CEOs out there who are barely breaking a million in bonuses per year and not much in stocks.”
“Others have several wives and mistresses they need to support, so it’s also a gender issue,” added Poilievre.
The social policy ensures a minimum standard of living for CEOs and their executive families to ensure they’re making a minimum of $1 billion in tax cuts and subsidies.
“Canada only has 41 billionaires, a far cry from the United States, which has over 600,” explained Poilievre citing a groundbreaking Fraser Institute Report titled I’m Rich: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. “And poor Canadians will eventually receive support by marrying into a billionaire’s family.”
Jobs in ferrari polishing and taking SAT tests for billionaires’ children will be in high demand making basic income unnecessary, say the Tories.
According to sources, the Conservatives are also proposing on giving every unemployed Canadian a motivational kick in the crotch.