Ford Government promises to discuss visiting family members once guidelines established for butlers, sommeliers
QUEEN’S PARK — Today Premier Ford announced his government will begin developing guidelines for when Ontarians can visit their families again, just as soon as they finish establishing rules…
Canadians celebrate isolated Victoria Day by exchanging love letters with their cousins
CALGARY – In lieu of family barbeques or trips to the lake, Canadians are observing this year’s Victoria Day by sending romantic missives to their cousins in honour of Queen Victoria’s lege…
Staring baby obviously looking for a fight
TORONTO – A fight nearly broke out on a streetcar earlier today between a fully-grown adult man and a two-month-old baby named Benjamin. Onlookers reported seeing the infant begin the fight by st…
Despite food shortages, grocery stores report massive surplus of gluten free products
EDMONTON – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages, availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high. “People are despe…
Man who has barely left basement apartment in months really enjoying his rich friends’ cottage photos
TORONTO – Local man Jerome Wittels has been housebound in his 300 sq. foot basement apartment since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown began, but says he is getting quite a lot of enjoyment see…
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she …
Total loser misses friends and loved ones
KITCHENER — Social distancing protocols have separated Canadians for over two months, and while many are rising to the challenge of slowing the pandemic, total loser Ruth Kim recently admitted sh…
Scheer furious that 200,000 Canadians making more off financial fraud than he is
OTTAWA – Andrew Scheer blasted Justin Trudeau this week for reportedly ignoring the 200,000 suspected cases of fraud amongst CERB applicants, who are now making way more per week than he is…
Canadian geese offer ass-to-door delivery of hot load of sidewalk shit
VAUGHAN, ON – A new startup helmed by Canadian geese is promising to deliver direct ass-to-door sidewalk goose shit to customers via their app, Instacrap. “Nothing signals the beginning of …
Despite food shortages, grocery stores report massive surplus of gluten free products
TORONTO – While the COVID-19 quarantine has resulted in some grocery stores dealing with food shortages, availability of gluten-free products remains at an all-time high. “People are desper…
