By Liz Peterson
There’s been a lot of fuss made about kids going back to school during coronavirus. Every mommy blogger under the sun has been ‘gramming about “too soon” this and “superspreader event” that, and most interestingly “think of the teachers!” Frankly, here’s what I think of them: sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from these truly horrible children I made by choice.
I have spent 6 uninterrupted months with both of my rotted, cursed children, and I’m sick of them. 15 years ago I thought it would be romantic to have a baby with my disinterested then-boyfriend, and now my teenager Samantha is constantly in my personal space, all “mom will you help with my homework” this, and “don’t you think Derek S.’s new haircut makes him look like Post Malone” that. The only time she ever leaves me alone is when Olivia G. cyberbullies her on Instagram, and each hurtful comment usually only buys me 15 minutes or so. I’ve taken my turn with my daughter. It’s time for Mr. Singh to put on a mask, pull out a math textbook, and completely estrange himself from his immunocompromised wife for 10 months.
My youngest, Todd, is 11, and while he was supposed to be the baby that fixed my dead marriage, he actually turned out to be a little moron who will not stop dancing. Fortnite, Tik Tok, Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake, all of it is annoying and all of it deprives me of peace. I used to be able to “forget” to pick him up from Jazz Dance on Saturdays for a little extra mimosa time, but now I have to bear witness to every flawless arabesque and beat-perfect rendition of the Carlton. I’m literally never alone at this point. So excuse me if I don’t shed a tear when Mlle. Tremblay has to dip into her fancy union health care plan to cover a three-week stint on a ventilator.
Look, if teachers didn’t want to be put in this position, they shouldn’t have gone into substantial debt to get one of the world’s few useful graduate degrees when we all knew an unprecedented global pandemic was a theoretical possibility. If you really want to “make the future a better place,” why not just join the board of directors at a private energy company like the rest of us?
I’m so sick of this flagrant entitlement from teachers. You think you’re better than me just because you’re on your feet attempting to captivate an audience of 30 children for 10 hours a day, serving as their personal expert in math, science, history, geography, music, english, child psychology, and conflict resolution, all while carrying yourself with the grace and patience of a saint? Please. If teachers didn’t want to be in this position, maybe they should have done a better job teaching me about contraception and how badly it sucks shit to be a parent so I wouldn’t have had these wretched little gremlins in the first place.
As far as I’m concerned, I did my job by gettin’ it raw and then yeeting these kids out of my ute. They shouldn’t be my problem anymore. So I’m gonna need teachers to sit down, suck it up, and make sure the two busted little demons I’ve reared will someday be able to afford the therapy they’ll need to unpack my iffy parenting choices. Oh, and if you get ME sick in the process, I’ll sue. Good luck, morons!