CALGARY – A 62-year-old mother has cut off terrorist funding by withholding her 35-year-old son’s allowance. Gillian Brown explained that the $20 weekly stipend she gave to her son Jamie was tec...
Underwear dropped on laundromat floor still clean…right?
Bowmanville, ON — After dropping her freshly-washed undies on the laundromat floor yesterday afternoon, local woman Beth Jonks has determined that the pair is still clean enough to wear… probably. “H...
Jeff Bezos to step down in five to ten days, or overnight with Prime
SEATTLE – Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos has announced his intention to step down, with the move taking effect some time in the next five to ten days, with the option for a much speedier over...
City expropriates farmland for booming brownfield industry
WELLAND – A city in Niagara has expropriated land from a fifth generation farm to further develop its abandoned and contaminated land industry. Urban planners and local politicians in Welland ha...
Local women dreams of Valentine’s proposal after insufficiently hinting at holiday season proposal
Dartmouth NS – Local woman, Claudia Draper, is dreaming of a Valentine’s Day proposal by boyfriend, Trevor Chase, after she failed to sufficiently deliver hints for a holiday season proposal. D...
Ontario Government claims true meaning of “essential” will only reveal itself to those who believe
QUEEN’S PARK – Asked by journalists what Ontario’s new stay-at-home order categorizes as an essential trip Premier Ford answered, with a twinkle in his eye, “If you’re fair of heart and true of ...
Experts baffled after so many lives enriched by Reddit
NATIONWIDE – Following the success of the Gamestop short-squeeze largely instigated by the r/wallstreetbets subreddit, many experts are amazed to witness the website acting as a positive force i...
Local libertarian unsure of what this has to do with the age of consent
HAMILTON, ONTARIO – Local libertarian Charles Whorley reportedly interjected into a public conversation about vegetables and produce today, confused as to what the subject matter had to do with ...
Trump says impeachment lawyers quit because winning will be too easy and thus unsatisfying
WASHINGTON D.C. – Former US President Donald Trump has issued a statement regarding the departure of his lead impeachment lawyers, clarifying they only quit because winning his impeachment trial...
