QUEEN’S PARK – Asked by journalists what Ontario’s new stay-at-home order categorizes as an essential trip Premier Ford answered, with a twinkle in his eye, “If you’re fair of heart and true of faith, look inside – the answer lies within.”
The stay-at-home order has been a source of confusion since first announced, with critics calling it “an absolute shambles” and “definitely something Doug Ford would write.” Currently, the order asks individuals to decide when leaving their home is “essential” and totally fine, or “inessential” and actively killing their neighbours.
After a bevy of media questions, an exasperated Ford sputtered: “I don’t know how to make it clearer, folks! It’s like that scene in Hook where Robin Williams can’t see the food because he doesn’t believe, but then he believes and suddenly he can see the food!” When pressed for a more coherent answer, Ford abruptly left; sources close to the Premier confirm he’d intended to disappear in a cloud of smoke but the fog machine was broken.
Ford has been bombarded with emails from concerned citizens, claiming the true meaning of essential hasn’t revealed itself to them yet. Ford’s team set up an auto-reply, “Cast thy heart of any doubt, ye faithless few” – language which Catholics and English Lit majors alike have called “a bit much.”
When asked how he defines “essential” for himself, Public Health Ontario representative Dr. Tony Lagoon offered: “The meaning of essential appeared to me one night on the banks of a foggy moor. It took on the appearance of my long-lost love, Annabel Lee. She whispered sweet nothings and a super clear definition into my ear.” After a pause, Dr. Lagoon added, “Don’t print that, my wife reads the news.”
Ford has been spotted gifting frontline workers “magic feathers that make you COVID-resistant,” only to later reveal the feathers were ordinary and the magic was within them all along. Approximately 20% of these frontline workers have since tested positive for COVID.
In lieu of paid sick leave, Ford issued a statement to their families asking them to “clap and say they believe in herd immunity.”