Woman dead for three days told she’s “probably just stressed” by doctor
BARRIE, ON – Olivia Short, a local woman diagnosed as “probably just stressed” by her doctor, has turned out to have already been dead for three days. Olivia “Liv” Short, 29, had already been dec…
Jason Kenney’s pride now leading cause of death in Alberta
EDMONTON – A new study from the Office of Statistics and Information indicates Premier Jason Kenney’s excessive pride is the new leading cause of death in Alberta. “Hubris is a pre-existin…
Edmonton coyotes excited to finally be included in games of fetch
EDMONTON – Coyotes are excited by a new initiative from the Edmonton Urban Coyote project that involves throwing tennis balls and sticks. The goal of the initiative is to scare coyotes in o…
Man tricked into coma announces new self-help book
NEW YORK – Publishing giant Penguin Random House has announced a new self-help book by a man who, in defiance of every credible medical professional, adopted a dangerous all-beef diet and fell in…
Trump forces Eric and Don Jr to compete for last spot on pardon list
WASHINGTON D.C. – Donald Trump has been preparing a slew of preemptive pardons to ensure none of the criminal activity carried out during his presidency will result in jail time for his fav…
Hollywood begins search for the right cis actor to play Elliot Page in eventual biopic
HOLLYWOOD – After an announcement by Oscar-nominated Canadian actor Elliot Page that he is trans, major studio executives have begun the search for the perfect cis actor to step into the “E…
Prince William furious at the portrayal of his yummy little baby botty-bottom
With the release of the latest season of The Crown, The Duke of Cambridge, Prince William is reportedly furious at the portrayal of his cute as a button, royal little baby bottom. Taking place i…
Pharmaceutical companies say Canada would get COVID vaccine faster if they didn’t need to print labels in French too
OTTAWA – As concerns mount that Canada may be “last in line” for access to the COVID-19 vaccines being developed, American pharmaceutical companies have reassured Canadians that…
Local murderers team up for podcast on white women
MILLHAVEN, ON – Earlier this month, local murderers George Robinson and Jeffrey Erb debuted their podcast My Favourite White Girl to immediate success. Calling in from Millhaven Correctiona…
Federal government to get a second job to cover deficit
OTTAWA – The federal Liberal government announced it will be getting a second job to cover the $381 billion deficit projected in yesterday’s fall economic update. Vowing that no Canadian wi…
