LETHBRIDGE – Doctors across Canada have been overwhelmed by a sudden surge of Millennials being treated for bruised egos and wounded pride after trying to middle-part their hair.
“We’re struggling to keep up,” said Dr. Samuel Davis of Chinook Regional Hospital. “All of a sudden, we’ve been inundated with not-quite-middle-aged adults in skinny jeans suffering from some of the most serious ego bruises the medical residents have ever seen. We can’t even stabilize them long enough to get their basic information – when we ask for their date of birth, they just say ‘90s kid’ and then lapse into fits of sobbing. The radio in the ER introduced a Cranberries song as Classic Rock and we had to put half of them on suicide watch.”
“We see something like this roughly every 25 years – Baby Boomers experienced something similar when bell-bottoms were out, and Gen X nearly collapsed altogether when they realized grunge was dead. But the Millennials seem to be taking it especially hard.”
Affected Millennials report that this severe ego-bruising is the most painful thing they’ve experienced since they fell off a pair of Nickelodeon Moon Shoes in 1996.
“I mean, am I hurting because I have been systematically denied the opportunity to achieve the usual milestones of adulthood like home ownership due to global financial circumstances beyond my control, thus trapping me in an extended period of perpetual adolescence even as I approach my forties?” said Stephanie, a 34-year-old barista and Ravenclaw. “Duh. But also a teenager called me an old lady with bad hair on an app I don’t understand and that really hurts my feelings.”
When reached for comment, Gen Z reported that they were consumed with dread over the prospect of starting their adult lives in worse financial circumstances than even their predecessors faced, and also that Family Guy is “cringe”.