Burger King invokes prima nocta
MIAMI, FL – In a stunning turn of events late yesterday, his Royal Highness the Burger King publicly announced his invocation of the ancient doctrine of prima nocta. For the uninitiated, pr…
Woman exhausts supply of spices in ongoing feud with squirrel
BRANTFORD, ON – In an escalating confrontation with a rodent, local resident and amatuer botanist Shelly Hargrove has exhausted her home’s supply of chili powder, turmeric, and other spices…
Dissolved Proud Boys rebrand as “Hoity-toity Boys”
OTTAWA – After being designated as a terrorist group by the Canadian government, the Proud Boys have dissolved to rebrand themselves as the “Hoity-toity Boys.” “We are big strong men who do…
Hungover virtual learning teacher points webcam at a Telefrancais video
Thunder Bay, ON – Ryan Strum, a local french teacher, has discovered a way to carry on the time honoured traditions of hungover teachers just playing a video in class by pointing his comput…
Uh Oh! Mom listening to Joni Mitchell real loud again
PETROLIA, ON – Oh good God, here it comes. Batten the hatches and brace for impact. Local mom of three, Donna Hughes is absolutely blasting Joni Mitchell in the kitchen again. Members of th…
Saskatchewanians grab keys from Premier Moe despite his insistence that he’s sober enough to re-open province
REGINA – Responsible citizens of Saskatchewan have hid the keys on Premier Scott Moe in order to prevent him from opening up the province without a sober mind. “Don’t worry, I’ll go slow an…
Ontario beams Bat Signal into night sky to see if Batman can take a crack at vaccine rollout
TORONTO – In the wake of a disastrous vaccine rollout and an out-of-control third wave of coronavirus, desperate Ontarians have sought out leadership by beaming the Bat Signal into the nigh…
Doctor who kept telling depressed patients to see a clown finally loses license
SASKATOON – After years of criticism regarding his controversial approach to mental health, family physician Russell Wendt has lost his medical license for continually suggesting that depressed p…
Hip Gen X-er brags about his rare discontinued vaccine
Hamilton, ON – Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning u…
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