Rogers has revealed a brand new plan that gives unlimited data for low, low cost of your mortal soul.
“It is but a trifle. A small thing.” says Yog Sothothery, high priest of Rogers Communication Division. “We give you access to all the knowledge available with no overages and all we ask is for your quintessence.”
“With select Rogers Infinite plans, you can enjoy promotions from your favourite streaming services like Disney+ and Apple Music,” spelled out Senior Director of Marketing Mylakhrion via ouija board. “You see the benefits of what Rogers offers. Allow your child to watch Marvel’s What If day of release and all you must do is pledge fealty to Ted Rogers.”
The contract, which you can simply click read to bypass, reveals a deep and complex lore. “Edward Samuel “Ted” Rogers Jr – which is his human name – as his true name, if spoken aloud would cause urine to flow from your bowels and your blood to boil and your sanity be wretched from your very mind,” claims section 4.a.
Section 66.c, which after the history of Ted Rogers’ ascent to the Onyx Throne where upon which his exhalations will breathe life into the mindless one, mentions that signing up a family plan will cause the fifty dollar setup service fee to be waived.
“We’re always saying: the best is yet to come,” says Sothothery. “Which is low rates, family plans and connecting all of Canada through their darkest dreams and desires.”
“This is an amazing deal,” says Patty Cormac, a longtime Rogers subscriber. “I’ve been paying over a hundred dollars just for 5 gbs of data. I always go over. I’d much rather give my soul to Ted Rogers than pay for the overages. Canada’s phone plans are pretty backwards”
Competitor Bell is offering up an equally as delicious deal.
“All you can talk, anywhere in the world,” Says Bell’s Ursula the CEO witch. “All we need is your voice. Don’t underestimate the importance of body language.”