Preemptive autopsy reveals patient will die from having organs methodically removed
EDMONTON – Breaking new ground in the field of preventative medicine, a team of doctors at the Center for Advanced Medical Research performed a preemptive autopsy on a willing patient and p…
Alberta punishes frontline workers with free Stampede tickets
CALGARY – Alberta’s doctors, restaurant employees, and other frontline workers will receive free Stampede tickets this year, punishing them for their crucial role in combating COVID. “First the g…
Team that wasn’t subject to Salary Cap better than teams that were
LAS VEGAS – The Golden knights won the Stanley Cup last night, proving once and for all that, in a salary cap league, a team that blatantly exceeds the salary cap will usually be better tha…
New Loblaws commercials sees Galen Weston Jr. replaced by self checkout machine
BRAMPTON, ON – Canadian grocery retailer, Loblaws, announced today that their newest commercial will see long time spokesperson and CEO Galen Weston Jr. replaced by a self checkout machine.…
Tampa Bay Lightning snap nine month Stanley Cup drought
TAMPA BAY, FL – The Tampa Bay Lightning have finally broken their Stanley Cup drought, a wait spanning three-quarters of a year. The team franchise has not engraved its name on Lord Stanley…
Time-travelling Bible author horrified to discover people took his fantasy novel literally
MORRIS, MB ― A disruption occurred at a local library last week, caused by a man who claimed to be the author of the Book of Genesis. Patrons of the library reported discovering him poring over a…
Perfectionist locked in agonizing 16-month quandary over which mask to buy
REGINA – Anna Paulson has been visiting Aisle 15 of the Shoppers Drug Mart at Victoria Square at 12 p.m. every day for over one year mulling over which mask to buy. With eyes wide open and visibl…
Trudeau pledges to begin all land acknowledgements with another, less sincere land acknowledgement
OTTAWA – In light of renewed attention to the horrors of residential schools, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced that he will be taking immediate action on reconciliation by beginn…
Coworker tries to convince you that memory of her shitting pants is the Mandela effect
LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her …
