My editor asked me to write an article about the Kim’s Convenience debacle despite never having seen the show by Gary Lim

BY THE BEAVERTON’S GARY LIM Okay, full disclosure, I’ve never actually watched Kim’s Convenience. But when I asked my editor if I could pass this article assignment on to anothe…

Ontario to allow non-recreational camping trips

QUEEN’S PARK – As part of the province’s reopening plan, the Ontario government announced last week that Ontarians will be allowed to go camping this summer, as long as the trip…

Natural deodorant deemed a waste of nature

TOFINO, BC – After trying multiple brands and formulations of natural deodorant, it’s been decided that natural deodorant is absolutely a waste of nature. Our planet deserves better than to…

Neighbour’s little library features little creep at little computer printing off little images of Shakira

SUMMERSIDE, PEI – In an attempt to scale down the modern library experience, a local front-yard little library installed a little computer which was quickly used by a little creep to print …

5 ways to explain the Habs’ success without admitting they’re a good team

With the Montreal Canadiens having won the North Division, Canadian hockey fans outside Quebec are faced with a dilemma: how can we explain the fact that the Habs did so much better than our team…

Hero cat bravely saves owner from being in bathroom alone

WINNIPEG – Felines nationwide are praising humble hero cat Mr. Pringles after he bravely saved his owner, local university student Christine Pedany, from being in the bathroom alone for mor…

“This isn’t Canada” says man who has said “this isn’t Canada” every other time this happened in Canada

LONDON, ON – After a horrific and premeditated hate-crime took the lives of 4 Muslim people this weekend, local man Dave Travers took to social media to re-assure people that this kind of t…

Totally normal doctor recommends getting vaccinated in arm not used for masturbating

EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians ar…

Pope: “Confessing and asking forgiveness aren’t really our thing”

VATICAN CITY – As Canadians and Indigenous Peoples demand accountability and remorse from the Catholic Church for their role in the genocidal Residential Schools institutions that Canada op…

Bill C-10 requires YouTube to recommend Canadian radicalization videos

OTTAWA – Bill C-10, which seeks to modernize Canadian content standards, will reportedly include provisions forcing YouTube’s algorithm to recommend Canadian conspiracy theorists and alt ri…