OTTAWA – Pfizer and BioNTech have released preliminary data to Health Canada stating that a vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years could be available sooner than originally thought. Side effects of this, of course, would mean you might have to see your nephew Kyle, 9, before the end of the year, and that kid is such a douchebag.
“Oh, Kyle’s been so excited to see ya again,” said your brother Steve while doing a drive by to drop off your sister-in-law Lucy’s cottage cheese casserole that you’re just going to let go bad and then throw out in two months. “He said he missed two birthdays so you owe him twice the PS5 games and Star Wars Legos. He also wanted me to check today to see if you still wear those ugly jeans that go up to your belly button. That kid cracks me up!”
Last time you saw Kyle was at Christmas 2019, where he pointed out all your pimples, bit you, and asked why you tweet so much if you only have 45 followers.
To keep your plans of a 2021 Christmas with no kids table, and bottomless red wine, you’re thinking of faking a positive COVID test, but really, you’re hoping he gets COVID before it’s too late. You said, “Okay, maybe not full blown COVID, he can be asymptomatic, lose one of his senses or two.”
Lately, Kyle has reportedly been getting worse. Sources say he’s been way less into Odd Squad and has somehow found Incel Youtube channels through Minecraft videos. Many are worrying prematurely about the Douchebag Nephew side effect of this new development. For local engineer, Gustav Haynes, it’s manifested as the “Shitty Second Cousin side effect”.
Many people with douchebag nephews have been petitioning Pfizer to keep their discoveries to themselves. “We’re good where we are,” said Felicia Harvey, aunt to a 6 year old douchebag named Joseph. “The adults can go out and have fun and kids can stay home. Really. You don’t need to bring your kid with us to Wonderland where he’ll make us wait 2 hours for a ride then chicken out at the last second.”
At press time, staff at Pfizer realized that they, too, have douchebag nephews, and will be holding off on any further development of this vaccine. Meanwhile, Kyle was seen telling his parents that you said the F word in front of him.
