FREDERICTON – In a leaked memo from New Brunswick’s minister of justice, all provincial employees have been ordered to levitate at least 2 meters above the ground to avoid complicating the government’s position on Indigenous land claims.
“As a result of this litigation, we are asking you to not make any connection with the land,” read the instructions from justice minister Hugh Flemming. “We ask that all employees keep a 2 meter barrier from any and all Indigenous land that was never surrendered from their feet, hands or any other part of their body. Please continue your day-to-day work in hot air balloons or finding your true psychic powers.”
“In fact, avoid all eye contact with anyone Indigenous,” cautioned the memo. “Just pretend they’re not there as per our government policy.”
At press time, the government became increasingly concerned that government officials would acknowledge the truth.