KINGSTON – While controversy builds in the halls of the Canadian military as candidate after candidate for advancement comes under investigation, Army bosses are considering dropping the sexual misconduct requirement for leadership positions.
“I have to admit we’ve been a bit blindsided here,” said Major General Danny Gallagher. “After 150 years of standard operating procedure, to be suddenly told that ‘sexual assault is a bad thing’ took completely us by surprise. We’ve always considered it a rite of passage.”
The change in the status of women in society over the last 100 years has come suddenly and unexpectedly to the military. Barely able to absorb bombshells like the report on rape in the military by Maclean’s in 1998, then again by Maclean’s in 2014, the report from Stats Canada in 2016, and then two more in 2018. Not to mention the near-weekly reports of high ranking officers being accused of sexual misconduct.
“We were as surprised as anyone when every candidate for promotion seemed to have a sexual assault in his past,” said a military spokesperson. “Until we remembered that it was one of the tick boxes on the application form. Mystery solved!”
Experts say that it will take time to reverse the centuries of military tradition of considering women to be the spoils of war.
“We are learning step-by-step,” stated Colonel Marcel Tremblay. “For example, when we first learned of the rampant sexual misconduct, we knew we needed an oversight committee that was fair and impartial, so we appointed someone who was both sympathetic to both the victims and perpetrators. Additionally, after a lot of helpful suggestions we changed my calendar to the 21st century.”
“Ultimately, the hope is to keep the culture of male entitlement and sexual objectification of women where it belongs: professional sports.”