Ottawa Police announce new strategy for dealing with ‘Freedom Convoy’ protestors: Unconditional Surrender

OTTAWA – After their brief attempts to actually enforce the law with respect to the protestors occupying the nation’s capital did not immediately work, Ottawa Police are pivoting to a…

Curler’s boyfriend dreading being told to “hurry hard” in bed

GRIMSBY, ON ― 34-year-old Garret Larsen, boyfriend of local skip Eliza Dupont, has admitted that her tendency to compare their sex life to curling is starting to wear a little thin. “It was funny…

Feds announce new holiday for exhausted women: Emotional Labour Day

OTTAWA – Canadians celebrated their inaugural Emotional Labour Day this Tuesday, a holiday honouring the women who thanklessly drain their emotional resources for the sake of keeping the peace. A…

Report: Turtles delicious, come with [own] bowl

HALIFAX, NS – A shocking new report written by acclaimed naturalist, David Attenborough, and published by unlikelyrecipes.com suggests that not only are turtles delicious, but they convenie…

Hasbro ends all elective games of Operation amid COVID surge

PAWTUCKET, RI – As the US healthcare system struggles under the weight of new Omicron admissions, toy and board game maker Hasbro has announced that all non-critical games of Operation will…

Conservatives demand Trudeau end ‘Freedom Convoy’ protest they fully support and hope continues

OTTAWA – Federal Conservatives are demanding the Trudeau government release a plan to finally bring to an end the Convoy protest that has held Ottawa hostage for over a week, and which they…

Ottawa declares state of emergency, pending approval of lawless mob

OTTAWA – Following 9 days of sustained protesting the City of Ottawa declared a state of emergency Sunday night, pending the approval of the angry horde occupying the city core. “The citize…

5 events to watch at the Olympics which we DEFINITELY remembered were happening

What, they’re still doing that? Like with Omicron and everything? I mean, hello, and welcome to the 2022 Winter Games happening in… wait until Wikipedia refreshes… Beijing! Wait, is that a typo? …

Total hypocrite! This man doesn’t want police to violently attack homeless but does want them to ticket convoy holding city hostage

OTTAWA – Local hypocrite Kai Green has expressed his support for Ottawa police writing tickets for truckers who are making life miserable for residents by honking all day and night, despite…

Date night downgraded to hand stuff night

LETHBRIDGE – According to local sources, Alex and Taylor Shepherd’s plans for a date night have been scaled back to lethargic hand stuff in front of the TV. “I was going to treat Alex to dinner a…