Opinion: I’m not opposed to UBI for economic reasons, I’m opposed because I relish in the anguish and suffering of my fellow man
by : Reginald C. Bancroft As the concept of universal basic income (UBI) pushes its way to the forefront of modern politics thanks to pandemic assistance like CERB, I feel I must speak up and cla…
Easter Bunny freezes eggs to focus on career
BERLIN — The disappointment of millions of children worldwide was palpable Sunday morning after the Easter Bunny announced it would be ‘freezing’ its iconic egg hunt for the foreseeable future in…
Furious Liberals deny accusation that they’re trying to protect the environment
OTTAWA – Environment Minister Steven Guilbeault is adamant that the Conservatives are lying about the Liberals imposing a new green tax on pickup trucks and wants to assure the public that …
Long distance friendships reduced to periodic “don’t fuck him” texts
WORLDWIDE: Long distance friendships around the world have been reduced to periodically sending each other “don’t fuck him” and “yeah, also not him” texts. “When I moved to Canada, my best friend…
Human embodiment of all the worst people in your poli sci seminar running for conservative leader
OTTAWA – Observers at universities across the country have reported that current conservative leadership front-runner Pierre Poilievre has managed the impressive feat of embodying a compreh…
Kids play house by having their imaginary friend price them out of the market
EDMONTON – Eight-year-old Mason Wright and seven-year-old Olivia Glass have been busy playing house all afternoon by pretending to have their hearts set on a property, only for Mason’s imaginary …
“As we know, I invented Twitter” claims Elon Musk three months from now
SAN FRANCISCO — Tech billionaire Elon Musk launched a hostile takeover of Twitter today shortly after becoming the company’s single largest shareholder. While the social media platform’s future i…
Businesses experiencing ‘just average’ call volume for the first time since 2020
VICTORIA, BC – After claiming to be experiencing higher than average call volume for a suspiciously long period of time during COVID-19, businesses are now reporting daily customer calls have dro…
Marc Dalton & Scott Aitchison latest conservative leadership candidates we can’t tell apart
OTTAWA – Doppelgangers Marc Dalton and Scott Aitchison recently entered the already crowded Conservative party leadership race, prompting frantic Canadian reporters to wonder how they would…
COVID enters 6th wave despite clearly running out of ideas by Wave 3
OTTAWA — The Public Health Agency of Canada confirmed today that the country is now in the 6th wave of the COVID-19 pandemic signaled by the all too familiar pattern of climbing case numbers. Whi…
