OTTAWA – The results of the CPC leadership competition are in and, on the very first ballot, the country of Canada lost.
“The results couldn’t be more clear,” said political analyst Martha Pounder. “68% of Conservatives voted to inflict the human personification of the word smug onto their fellow Canadians.”
“This is a clear message to the Liberals, the gatekeepers and the liberal gatekeepers that their lives are about to get very, very annoying.”
‘Making Canada Suffer’ was always a clear favourite in the Conservative race, due to its ability to rile up a base whose main priority is to “own the libs.” ‘Returning Canadian Conservatives to the middle ground and uniting the country (while also selling our state secrets to China)’ believed it had a decent chance of victory but ultimately came up well short.
‘Gilead actually sounds good’ ‘Canada should suffer even more’ and ‘What if Jean Charest wasn’t french or charismatic’ finished even further behind.
“Going forward Canada can expect a lot to change. Now instead of debating how best to deal with climate change we can argue about whether the head of the Bank of Canada should be hung or drawn and quartered. Or whether women can really ‘have rights’ if they ‘aren’t people.’ Or whether white supremacy can really be so bad if it helps you get elected,” added Pounder.
“I’m just so, so tired,” said Canadians when told of the results.
In related news the worst people you still haven’t blocked on facebook were very excited.