BRAMPTON — The results of a customer satisfaction survey have revealed that all 1,392 Shoppers Drug Mart locations have tied for worst. This data vindicates millions of Canadians who have long-touted their local Shoppers as “rock-bottom.”
“For a store with ‘Shoppers’ right in the name, the pharmacy sure seems surprised any time a shopper rings that little bell,” said Stephen Trutch, bravely speaking to us from a Shoppers Drug Mart in Saskatoon. “They must have what — sixteen – no, seventeen— people working back there, and no one has made eye contact with me in over 3 hours.”
When reached for comment, Shoppers Drug Mart employees directed us to the store’s only self-checkout lane without an “out of order” sign taped to it. Pressed on the issues of poor customer service, deteriorating produce quality, and inflating the price of essential items while bringing in record profits, the self checkout replied, “Please place your item in the bag.”
Family physician Dr. Linda Freck isn’t surprised by the findings. “I’ve had patients call me in a panic. They walk in to Shoppers to pick up a prescription, they get a blinding headache. They catch a glimpse of themselves in the Joe Fresh jewellery mirror, and they’re white as a sheet. I call it the Shoppers Drug Mart effect — the sultry sounds of Michael Buble punctured by the screams of ‘Winner! Gagnant!’, that particularly harsh shade of blue light. It really does something to a person.”
As a result of these findings, Loblaws announced that the PC Optimum program will be replaced by the PC Pessimum program.