SAN FRANCISCO – Makeup retailer Sephora has introduced a new program where one of their employees will break into your home in the middle of the night and do your makeup for you while you s…
Ethics watchdog says cabinet ministers must disclose how much of their wealth is pirate booty acquired during coming-of-age adventures
OTTAWA – In the wake of several recent scandals involving the finances of federal Liberals, Canada’s ethics commissioner has suggested new rules that would force ministers to disclose exact…
Marketing campaign for Thor: Ragnarok gets out of hand after giant wolf eats the sun
BURBANK, CA – Marvel Studios have issued an apology for inadvertently triggering the real Ragnarök with the marketing campaign for the latest installment in the Thor franchise. “I want to b…
Following abortion clinic protest ban, man left with only 2,478 methods for screaming abuse at women
TORONTO – Local anti-choice activist Dan Jones is livid about a new bill passed by the Ontario legislature that leaves him only 2,478 other avenues to verbally abuse women. “There are only …
Andrew Scheer dismantles pro-white supremacy news outlet by hiring everyone who works for it
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is waging a one man crusade against white supremacy in Canadian media by hiring away everyone who works for far-right media outlet The Rebel. “The…
Local man optimistic his life will return to normal after being acquitted of bestiality on technicality
EDMONTON – After being acquitted of seven counts of unnatural acts with an animal due to a legal loophole, local horse enthusiast Dan Smith was confident about his prospects going forward. …
Netflix raises prices to $11 a month, plus a solemn promise to give Iron Fist a chance
LOS GATOS, CA – Video streaming service Netflix is raising prices for American subscribers, meaning the standard tier will now cost $10.99 a month, and a formal oath to watch and attempt to…
Method actor Jared Leto prepares for his role as Hugh Hefner by publishing nude photos of famous women without their consent
LOS ANGELES – In order to prepare for his role as Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, Jared Leto is taking method acting to a new plateau by publishing naked photos of female celebrities against t…
Millennial villagers prefer to pelt Lottery winners with avocado stones
THE VILLAGE – A conflict is brewing between Baby Boomers who insist on using the customary rocks and Millennial villagers who want to shift to murdering Lottery winners with organic avocado…
Update: Tweet that starts WWIII will now be up to 280 characters long
SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter today announced it will be beta testing a new 280 character limit on tweets in an effort to ensure that the tweet that causes a Third World War will be more a more s…
