“I want to be clear about one thing: it was not our intent to bring about the end of the world,” Marvel spokesperson Kevin Andrews explained at a sombre press conference. “We wanted to get people coming in droves to see our fun new movie, not running in droves from the shadow dragon Níðhǫggr.”
Ragnarök, the twilight of the gods, is the final apocalyptic war in Norse mythology. In addition to causing worldwide chaos and death, it’s called into question Marvel’s carefully constructed release schedule. No one knows if the media giant will be able to get the highly anticipated Black Panther into theatres before Naglfar, the ship made of the nails of the dead, delivers its infernal hordes to battle until the end of all things.
“Did we know that the giant wolf Fenrir would eat the sun? Yes,” Andrews said as another earthquake rocked the room and the sound of distant screams were carried in on a freezing wind. “But you have to admit, eternal darkness is really helping us get the word out about Thor.”
“That’s Thor: Ragnarok, in surviving theatres everywhere November 3rd.”
Andrews then expressed his confidence that the campaign would be under control soon but was forced to conclude his press conference when the massive serpent Jörmungandr burst in through the skylight, spraying deadly venom upon correspondents from the Hollywood Reporter and Entertainment Weekly.
PR experts consider this to be the worst viral marketing blunder since Warner Brothers released millions of rabid bats during the opening of Tim Burton’s Batman in 1988, rendering the city of Los Angeles uninhabitable for the next three decades.