THE VILLAGE – A conflict is brewing between Baby Boomers who insist on using the customary rocks and Millennial villagers who want to shift to murdering Lottery winners with organic avocado stones.
“It’s a matter of respect for tradition,” says civic leader and Lottery commissioner Agnes Summers, 62. “Can you imagine if we kept changing the Instrument of Purification to be trendy? Over the years we’d have been throwing cans of Tab, Chia Pets, selfie sticks.”
“I can’t think of anything less dignified than massacring the Chosen One under an avalanche of Tamagotchis.”
Millennial complaints about the Lottery go beyond the stoning material. Feminists are not happy about the fact that men Draw for their families and environmentalists believe the event should become paperless or at least have the villagers pick the Black Mark from amongst sustainable recycled paper slips.
“What about OUR traditions?” asks Travis Hutchinson, 28. “The method of execution should reflect the times we live in, the shared culture we protect with our annual Sacrifice. I’m not murdering a random neighbour so I can keep living in the past.”
At press time, villagers from Generations X and Z have been accused of quietly fanning the flames of this argument in the hopes that they can inspire Millennials and Baby Boomers to finally wipe each other out in a violent spasm of intergenerational bloodshed.
