OTTAWA – In the wake of several recent scandals involving the finances of federal Liberals, Canada’s ethics commissioner has suggested new rules that would force ministers to disclose exactly how much of their personal wealth is pirate plunder from coming-of-age adventures.
“It’s not just a matter of transparency,” Ethics Commissioner Mary Dawson explained. “There are unique conflicts of interest that recipients of pirate treasure need to avoid, including regulating the price of gold and precious gems and the repatriation of works of art back to their countries of origin.”
It’s estimated that approximately 20% of Canadian politicians went on vaguely magical journeys as children that resulted in them obtaining vast pirate fortunes and that percentage is only expected to grow as more members of Generation X, for whom pirate treasure hunts were a common 80s pastime, gain political power.
“This is not a partisan issue,” Dawson said. “While it’s true that the boys, and less frequently, girls, who obtained the most pirate treasure during heartwarming adolescent adventures tended to be from hard-luck working class families, they grew up to represent both sides of the political spectrum.”
The Ethics Commissioner is also looking into forcing these Ministers to disclose the real treasure they earned from their childhood misadventures: the friends they made along the way.