TORONTO – Licensed therapist and recently alive man Dr. Mark Conway wishes everyone would understand that simply fleeing from their problems is unhelpful, unhealthy, and frankly, a little s…
Life Hack: This woman paid off her debts entirely by switching to men’s products!
Listen up ladies, life is expensive enough. But do you ever get that sneaking suspicion that you’re paying way too much for everyday items just because you identify as female? Well then congratul…
Houseplant wishes you’d let it die already
TORONTO – After six long months of suffering in an unforgiving climate with insufficient sunlight and warmth, Fernice the fern desperately wishes you could understand just how much it yearn…
Game of Thrones writers petition fans to write their own goddamn show, if they’re so smart
HOLLYWOOD – After a petition demanding that the writers of Game of Thrones rewrite the final season received over half a million signatures this week, David Benioff and D. B. Weiss fired back wit…
Distraught 20-something holds up LCBO until cashier asks to see their ID
HAMILTON – Patrons and employees of a Hamilton LCBO underwent a harrowing ordeal last night after a 20-something adult held up the cashier at knifepoint. According to eyewitnesses, the altercatio…
Woman killed by monster after realizing running is worse than death
TORONTO – Following a terrifying appearance of a werewolf in Toronto’s High Park, 33-year-old accountant Felicia Delmont was savagely ripped to pieces due to her complete and utter refusal to eng…
Heartbroken woman betrayed by imaginary boyfriend after discovering he’s already married
HALIFAX – Romantic tragedy struck yesterday when 30-year-old Tina McCullough discovered that Brian Huntington, her imaginary boyfriend of two years, was already secretly married to another woman.…
Ford government cancels tree planting program after learning trees also want to eliminate carbon
TORONTO – In a move harshly criticized by environmentalists nationwide, the Ford government announced yesterday that it is cancelling a program that would have seen 50 million new trees planted i…
Woman successfully beats murder rap using “Mercury in retrograde” defence
TORONTO – In a landmark ruling yesterday, 31-year-old Robin Whitewood was declared not guilty of the first-degree murder of her roommate Sharon after her lawyer successfully argued that Whitewood…
Scientists confirm your printer works fine, it’s just flirting with you
WINDSOR, ON – Scientists at the University of Windsor recently announced that after a year-long study, they have discovered that your printer actually functions perfectly well, and only pretends …
