Superhero’s girlfriend preemptively saves everyone the trouble and kidnaps herself - The Beaverton
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Superhero’s girlfriend preemptively saves everyone the trouble and kidnaps herself

NEW YORK – After spending the majority of her adult life as the victim of ludicrously complicated villainous heists, Christa MacDonald, grad student and longtime girlfriend of NYC’s second most famous superhero, Grant Morgan, aka Invisa-Man, kidnapped herself this morning to save everyone the time and effort.

“Listen, this happens every other goddamn week,” she mumbled from behind a gag she had put in before somehow managing to herself to a busy bridge overhanging a lake of hungry sharks. “I figured this way, I get to decide the time and place, and avoid the gross rape threats that inevitably get thrown my way by all those -hungry creeps.”

She spun lazily in the breeze before adding, “Grant will show up to save me once he solves the riddle I left for him. He might be here now, I don’t know. He’s always invisible because he thinks I’m impressed when he appears out of nowhere. I just don’t have the heart to tell him otherwise.”

Dr. Ratpack, one of Invisa-Man’s most persistent adversaries, expressed disappointment that Christa was taking matters into her own hands.

“I mean, good for her, I guess,” the villain shrugged, unsuccessfully attempting to corral his fearsome army of rats into a getaway car. “I totally support her autonomy and push for independence, but this really screws up my plans for today. I’d just finished putting the final touches on my new Rodent Ray and was going to kidnap Christa to get Invisa-Man’s attention. It’s been months since I’ve seen abducted her; I figured we could catch up as I’m locking her in my giant cage. She’s always such a good sport.”

Upon hearing about MacDonald’s self-abduction, Invisa-Man put out an official statement declaring that her actions would only serve to strengthen their relationship.

“I think it’s great that she’s taking such an interest in my profession,” he exclaimed. “She’s always complaining that being kidnapped by goons is ‘inconvenient’ and ‘humiliating’. But if she weren’t constantly in life-threatening danger, how would I find the motivation to fight ? I’m glad she’s finally seeing how much harder this whole situation is for me.”

He finished pulling on his silver Hero Tights. “I can’t wait to go save her. I’m gonna go invisible and pop out of nowhere. She’s always super impressed when I do that.”

At press time, MacDonald had broken up with Invisa-Man after he made one too many comments about how badly Lycra unitards chafe.

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