Zounds! Foolhardy woman to travel solo without gentleman chaperone! - The Beaverton

Zounds! Foolhardy woman to travel solo without gentleman chaperone!

TORONTO – To the extreme consternation and dismay of the right-thinkers around her, Trisha MacDonald, a girl-child of 23, announced yesterday that she has taken it upon herself to venture forth into the unknown regions of “Western Europe,” all without consulting, asking permission from, or – Heaven save her soul – being accompanied by a male protector!

MacDonald’s scandalous proclamation has quickly drawn concerned and (as is to be expected) angry reactions from family, friends, and utter strangers. Indeed, the town is abuzz with the news that the precocious college student intends to engage in the blasphemous acts of imbibing illicit spirits, partaking in reckless dance frivolity, and fraternizing with other clattering females of ill repute.

“I am quite certain that upon touching foreign soil, with all its dangers and alluring masculinity, she will immediately realize the folly of her actions and come home, where she belongs,” stated Mr. Chad Berkeley, who described himself as Trisha’s paramour, despite the young woman’s protestations that they only went on one date. “I understand that women must feel like they can venture outside their abodes, but what follows this? Independence? Confidence without male approval? What a terrifying slope to descend upon!”

Mr. Berkeley’s esteemed and necessary opinions are shared quite voraciously by other men, who have understandably been unable to understand just why a woman of such standing should wish to engage in such outrageous activities.

“My word!” exclaimed John Sullivan, a banker who happened to be passing by when Miss MacDonald was speaking excitedly of her impending voyage. “Europe??? What happens if the young lady becomes afrighted? What happens should she encounter…a hardship? What of the ruffians!? Surely her father must stop this before things get out of hand!”

Upon the time of this publication, the newly-christened Miss Harlot MacDonald has purposefully not been reached for comment. It was feared that she would become enraged (as is typical of females of her age and choleric temperament) when confronted with the harsh truths about her vulnerabilities in this world, and speak her mind, contaminating others of the weaker sex with her outlandish notions.