EDMONTON – In a tragic domestic incident yesterday, 30-year-old Mandy Whitehouse died from horrific burns covering almost her entire body, after finally finding a shower temperature that was warm enough.
“As she was being carried out of the apartment, I heard her mumble that she ‘must tell the womenfolk,’ said Officer Frank Thomson, who answered the 911 call. “I’ve never seen someone so pleased with the knowledge of their imminent death in all my years on the force. Herbal Essences conditioner will never smell the same.”
Whitehouse’’s boyfriend Tom insisted that he had seen the terrible accident coming, but had been powerless to stop it.
“I was always telling Mandy that she ran the water too hot,” he sobbed. “But she wouldn’t listen. To her, it was never scalding enough. I once stuck my hand under the shower spray when she was in there, and ended up in the hospital. Mandy complained the whole way there that we needed to get our water heater checked out because she had been freezing.”
Theresa Small, the coroner who examined Whitehouse’s body, explained that while the woman’s death was certainly a tragedy, the real tragedy was not knowing what the miraculous shower temperature had been.
“I wish I had been able to ask her before she died,” Small mourned as she pulled the sheet back over the horribly burned corpse. “My showers are always too cold, or hot enough to melt the shower curtains. To know that there’s a happy middle ground out there gives me hope, even if Mandy had to die for it. She has given hope to women everywhere. That’s something to be posthumously proud of.”
At press time, Whitehouse’s family had set up charity her honour, with the purpose of raising funds to research why women are so damn cold all the time.