CAPE BRETON, NS – Frank Thompson has spent his entire life searching for the answer to a question that no one in his life is willing to answer, no matter how many times he asks: whether or not a bear shits in the woods.
“It’s a simple question!” Thompson ranted, as he scoured his usual hiking trail, looking for bear excrement. “But whenever I ask, everyone just laughs at me and moves on. No one is taking me seriously! Statistically it stands to reason that someone has to know, but so far, I’m still in the dark.”
He poked a suspicious-looking lump on the ground before continuing on, disappointed. “That’s just regular weasel shit. Trust me, I’ve become an expert. They call me crazy, but have you ever SEEN bears do their business? No! It’s a mystery! It has to happen somewhere- the woods? Fields? Bear-sized outhouses? Goddamnit, I’m going to find out if it kills me- which it might because apparently bears are very dangerous.”
An interview with Frank’s mother, Margaret, ended in tears as the woman explained how she was the cause of his longstanding obsession.
“It all started on a family camping trip,” she explained, wringing her hands. “Frank was fifteen. I asked his father if he wanted another beer, and he answered ‘Does a bear shit in the woods?’ Frank just got this… look on his face, and then disappeared into the forest for six hours. He was changed forever. I feel so guilty.”
Thompson was last spotted wandering the streets of Sydney, searching for someone who could answer his other burning life question: whether or not the Pope was Catholic.