NEW YORK – 50 year old mechanic Paul Jenson is currently in a state of panic after spending the last four hours unsuccessfully trying to leave critically-acclaimed “Into Our Collective Darkness,” a new 75-actor immersive theatre piece set in an abandoned parking garage.
Jenson, who has never been to the theatre before, was invited to the play by a friend-of-a-friend, who promised the experience would “change his life forever.”
“Everyone is in alien masks, there’s no dialogue, and all the exit signs lead to bricked-up doors,” Jenson explained, fear clouding his voice. “There wasn’t even a program! A shadowy person in a cape met me at the door and told me the show would end ‘when the doomsday clock strikes a quarter to Death’s Hour.’ When the hell is that? How long have I been here? No one will interact with me unless I dance with them, and I can’t dance.”
He paused to wipe away a tear. “I’m cold and just want to go home. I thought this was a Mamet play. I’m never going to the theatre again.”
Jenson’s wife Linda has started an online petition to bring her husband to safety, and even donated $500 to the Collective’s Indiegogo campaign out of desperation.
“One of the perks is that if you give them enough money they’ll tell you the location of the show without having to use an encrypted map written in invisible ink,” she explained. “It’s worth it if I can ever see Paul again. We should have known something was strange when the invitation was delivered by carrier pigeon.”
The show’s creator, Tom Weisen, was thrilled to hear of Jenson’s current state of utter confusion.
“This is exactly what I wanted,” he enthused. “The isolation, the terror, the utter hopelessness- this is what “Collective Darkness” truly aims to achieve. Just wait until he reaches the fourth floor of the garage, that’s where you’re invited to participate in the Bloodletting Ritual. The theatre truly is a magical place.”
According to sources, Jenson was last seen huddled in a meticulously-decorated prop car, awaiting rescue.