NEW YORK CITY- Representatives from the United Nations shocked the world today with the release of a damning report predicting that by the year 2030, 80% of all newborns will be named Jackson. “W…
Erin O’Toole’s aides frantically trying to teach him The Renegade
BOWMANVILLE- With polling stations across the country hours from closing and Conservatives desperate for votes, Erin O’Toole’s aides were spotted earlier today frantically trying to appeal to Gen…
Opinion: Why pulling forces out of Afghanistan is good when the politician I like does it and bad when anyone else does it
As Afghanistan’s capital has rapidly been overtaken by members of the Taliban, I can’t help but think the decision to withdraw all U.S. forces out of such a volatile country is good when the poli…
I’m the agent assigned to monitor your vaccine tracking chip and I’m bored as hell
By: Agent 361 Hi, I’m the agent who’s been assigned to monitor your every move since you received your covid-19 vaccine and, to be frank, I’m bored as shit. When your file first came across my de…
New Loblaws commercials sees Galen Weston Jr. replaced by self checkout machine
BRAMPTON, ON – Canadian grocery retailer, Loblaws, announced today that their newest commercial will see long time spokesperson and CEO Galen Weston Jr. replaced by a self checkout machine.…
Uh Oh! Mom listening to Joni Mitchell real loud again
PETROLIA, ON – Oh good God, here it comes. Batten the hatches and brace for impact. Local mom of three, Donna Hughes is absolutely blasting Joni Mitchell in the kitchen again. Members of th…
New website allows Ontarians to sign up for a pretend vaccine waitlist just for funsies
TORONTO – Following months of frustration surrounding Ontario’s delayed vaccine rollout, officials have announced the launch of a new website that will allow Ontarians to sign up for …
Canadian geese reaffirm plans to fuck up every walk you take from now until November
LONDON, ON – Meeting in a vast pile of their own chartreuse shit, an assembly of Canadian Geese gathered to mark the annual renewal of their commitment to make every walk you take within th…
Dozens of women came out against this man but then his friend said he was chill and now we’re stumped
VANCOUVER- As disturbing allegations of inappropriate behaviour from dozens of women continue to stack up against local man Bryce Winter, one guy has come to his defence, leaving us pretty stumpe…
Nation’s lonesome travellers sick of telling wayward dogs to “g’on now, get”
BOXCAR JUNCTION – In a rare break from nomadic life, the nation’s lonesome travellers assembled today inside a moving freight car they all hopped into, to declare they are sick of telling w…