LONDON, ON – Meeting in a vast pile of their own chartreuse shit, an assembly of Canadian Geese gathered to mark the annual renewal of their commitment to make every walk you take within the next eight months sheer hell.
“It’s been a long winter but boy does it feel good to be back,” honked 2-year old Toby. “Just when you thought it was finally safe to go for a walk amid increased vaccination rates and warming weather, ‘Squawk, squawk motherfucker’ we’re back and our choke hold on public parks begins anew.”
The goose went on to explain that the next two months will serve as the soft opening of their reign of terror with many of their actions, like loud honking, blockading park paths, and excessive shitting, serving as cause for detours to many park-goers. By June, however, the geese vow to wage full-on war against their arch nemesis: people attempting to take a leisurely stroll in peace.
“Once we start laying eggs, we’re going to attack you with the precision and force of Seal Team Six. And don’t even think about fighting back,” squawked 12-year old Gertrude. “Ever heard of a little thing called the Migratory Birds Convention Act of 1994? We’ve got immunity, bitch. We run these streets.”
According to sources, many locals live in a constant state of fear each year following the arrival of the geese, oftentimes not knowing peace until their migration in the fall.
“I can’t even walk across campus without getting dive bombed, and when I close my eyes at night I can still hear their flapping,” claimed UWO student Chad Miller. “They act like they own the place just because Canada is in their name.”
Following the arrival of their goslings, the waterfowl revealed the next step of their plan: waiting for the nation’s young and elderly to appear in parks across the country, eager to feed the geese large amounts of bread. The geese maintain this seemingly innocuous gesture, which is known to decimate their digestive tracts, will also enforce the birds’ perceived entitlement to public outdoor spaces.
“So help me God, if even one jogger looks at me the wrong way while I’m eating my bread, I’ll start hissing in a way that will traumatize you for decades to come,” said One-Legged Paul, “and you better give us the good bread. Any of that gluten free shit and it’s ending up on your car.”
By fall, the birds plan on upping the ante even further, revealing they’ve put forth an agenda to extend their torture past the realm of parks. As they claim, by September they’ll begin causing multiple commute delays by just sort of walking back and forth across the highway all day, before finally finishing the season off with more sinister acts of malice.
“I don’t want to reveal too much,” warned one gander ominously, “but let’s just say we’ve still got unfinished business with Captain Sully”.