OTTAWA – After receiving criticism this week for abandoning the Trudeau-era climate plan, Prime Minister Mark Carney has assured Canadians worried about the already deadly effects of global warming that he will start taking the dangers it poses seriously, just as soon as every other problem currently facing Canada, and the rest of the globe, are solved.
“Canada is facing unprecedented challenges on both a global and domestic level,” Carney explained in a video he posted to YouTube. “Food costs are rising, separatists are threatening to tear our country apart, and the international political situation is unstable. Until all of that’s taken care of, it would be unreasonable to focus on an issue like climate change, which isn’t currently causing any problems. At this second. To me, specifically. Because I have air conditioning.”
Carney, who was a vocal advocate against climate change and praised measures like carbon pricing before he became Canada’s prime minister, has since tempered both his zeal for market-based solutions to global warming and his concerns about the ongoing transformation of our planet into a disaster-ridden hotbox.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it, I’m here to explain as plainly as I can why climate change doesn’t matter right now. Ensuring that our fossil fuel industry continues to make record profits is what matters. And these profits will help all Canadians. Except any Canadians who have to buy gas, or buy products transported using gas.”
Carney is adamant that as soon as all of the other issues facing Canada and the world are taken care of by the same geopolitical systems that caused them, his government will focus on clean energy, or at least on attempting a new rebrand of fossil fuels as clean energy.
“Make no mistake, we are still transitioning to clean energy. We’re just going to slow down. Way down. Make the transition so gradual it won’t make anyone angry. So gradual no one will even notice. Especially not fossil fuel industry shareholders or lobbyists.”
“We don’t live in easy times,” Carney concluded. “Things are tough right now. And as the saying goes, ‘when the going gets tough, quit doing the hard stuff and just cling to what kind of worked in the past.’”
At press time, the Northwest Territories are on fire, Manitoba is underwater, and Ontario, Quebec and B.C. are all melting.
