OTTAWA – Mark Carney has officially given notice that his government will be designating Danielle Smith’s West Coast pipeline a project of national interest, allowing the massive oil and gas project to be constructed as quickly as possible before Canada’s entire West Coast goes up in flames.
“I am proud to announce that this pipeline will be going ahead as soon as we can high jump over annoying environmental regulations and indigenous consultations,” Carney stated in a press conference yesterday, as Premier Smith high-fived herself. “The Building Canada Act will hopefully allow us to keep one step ahead of the rapidly-spreading wildfires.”
“Who has time to address climate change when wildfires are decimating precious pipeline space?”
Carney pointed to a map of North America, half of which had been accurately but artistically burned away. “It is our intention for the pipeline to cross over Saskatchewan and British Columbia, but if they prove too charred already then I plan to divert the pipeline and profits through the Northern states, as part of my next round of capitulations to Trump in CUSMA negotiations.”
Danielle Smith, smiling so wide that many in the audience naturally assumed she was thinking about forcing trans children to dig the pipeline infrastructure themselves, stated that she fully supported the project being moved up before her province was so full of smoke it couldn’t exist anymore.
“This is a great day for Albertans, and none of the rest of you traitorous fucks,” Smith stated, flipping off any reporter who looked like they were from east of her province. “The sooner this gets done, the sooner I can start looking for new ways to hurt endangered wildlife and complain about how no one ever gives Alberta anything.”
“I told Mark that every week this pipeline isn’t built, I would set another forest on fire. My only regret is that eventually there will be nothing left to burn.”
At press time, Canadian taxpayers were reminded that they are personally paying for this.
