OTTAWA – Leery of another election in which Justin Trudeau coasts by on his attractiveness, the Conservatives are fighting the PM’s fire looks with this utterly baffling photo of Erin O’Toole on the cover of their election platform.
“We wanted to flip the script,” Brian Thompson, one of the Conservative Party’s election strategists, said in an interview to explain the thinking behind the unexpected and frankly mind-boggling cover. “Everyone sees Trudeau as the sexy teacher all the students have crushes on, and O’Toole as the mean old gym teacher who will make you run laps even when you have period cramps.”
“So I thought, what if that same gym teacher everyone hates came to school in a kinda tight t-shirt one day? Then everyone would love him too. That’s how that scenario would end, right? It wouldn’t end with everyone making fun of the gym teacher and the person who convinced the gym teacher to wear the t-shirt being fired and excommunicated from Canadian politics forever, right?”
Despite O’Toole being two years younger than Trudeau, an actual fact that researchers have repeatedly verified, the Conservatives have had trouble getting the Canadian public to view their leader as a swoon-worthy hunk who is just as hot as Canada’s older yet more boyish prime minister. It’s something Thompson was hoping to change with this new look for the usually besuited and staid O’Toole.
“Just because someone might not be as traditionally attractive as someone else, someone might not have such incredible hair, someone might in fact look like a premature grandpa, doesn’t mean that someone can’t also try to appeal to the baser instincts of the Canadian public by showing some skin. On the cover of the party’s election platform. It’s not weird. It’s not a weird place to do that. It’s casual. IT’S FUN!”
Reviews of the photo are not mixed, with Canadians across party lines coming together in their bewilderment. As one Conservative from Alberta said, “it looks like a cheap porn parody of Mike Holmes.” A staunch NDP supporter from PEI asks if “it’s some kind of mid-life crisis Playgirl photoshoot to make us vote for him out of pity?” Numerous voters from Ontario reacted with amusement before realizing in horror that Doug Ford might see it and be inspired.
At press time, former Conservative election strategist Brian Thompson was adamant that the photo is great, everyone else is wrong about it, and it does not make O’Toole look like a thumb.