OTTAWA – Recent data from Parliament Hill suggests that Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre’s only chance of becoming Prime Minister rests on the possibility that one of his MPs who have recently crossed the floor to the Liberals is secretly planning to destroy them from the inside.
“Obviously, every conservative loves me and being in my absolutely non-toxic party. So it stands to reason that one or several members of my party are running a covert Trojan Horse-style scheme to destabilize the Liberals from within,” Poilievre stated, in front of the large Wile E. Coyote-esque blueprint he had hung on his office wall depicting Prime Minister Mark Carney being lured into a room full of TNT.
“They just didn’t say anything to me before they did that to protect me,” Poilievre aded, with a manic gleam in his eye. “Why else would they cross the floor, if not out of loyalty to me? To advance their own careers? Not likely!”
Sources report that Poilievre is so certain the MPs’ defection is just a subterfuge on behalf of the Conservative Party, and not the death rattle of his own career, that he has a vivid idea of actions they might be taking to undermine the Carney Government.
“I bet Matt Jeneroux is already planting cocaine in Carney’s office. Or perhaps Michael Ma has cut the brakes on his car? Or maybe Marilyn Gladu will just start saying more anti-vax stuff for some reason!”
When questioned about where the MPs would have gotten the idea for such deceit, Poilievre credits himself for inspiring his former party members to take such initiative. “I knew that if I continued my current leadership style, I would eventually motivate one of them to infiltrate the Liberals and sabotage them in an elaborate long con. I’m not sure if I needed enough of them to cross to give Carney a majority, but I guess I’m just that good at inspiring shiftiness and disloyalty!”
At press time, Poilievre may be counting his chickens before they hatch, as the Liberal Party may already have been destroyed by Carney’s lack of liberalism.
