OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong. “As the…
Tag: justin trudeau
Trudeau excited to discover what old-timey nickname Biden will give him
OTTAWA – After calling President-elect Biden to congratulate him on winning the election, Prime Minister Trudeau is said to be looking forward to Biden bestowing upon him a fun nickname tha…
World offers to buy U.S. special present if it doesn’t re-elect deranged fascist
NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations, the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “pretty cool gift” if it chooses not to r…
Adorable? This cow and dog are best friends but the cow keeps feeding the dog QAnon propaganda
Times are tough! There’s no denying that. To begin to list through everything that’s been causing us stress this year would be redundant, we get it. But we wanted to show you that there is still …
Trudeau mobilizes troops to border in response to Rick Moranis attack
OTTAWA – Following the news that Canadian national treasure Rick Moranis was assaulted in New York City, Prime Minister Trudeau has ordered the full Canadian Armed Forces to amass on the US…
Thousands of rich Canadians who also pay zero dollars in tax glance around nervously
OTTAWA – In the wake of the New York Times’ revelation that Donald Trump paid almost no income tax for the last 15 years, Canada’s wealthy are really hoping no one notices how l…
Parties consider fall election after determining Canadians haven’t suffered enough in 2020
OTTAWA – the nation’s political parties are reportedly debating pushing for a fall election after determining 2020 hasn’t been quite painful enough for Canadians. “Sure there’s been a pande…
Trudeau chides vandals for not politely asking statue to stop being monument to brutal racist
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wanted those who toppled a statue of noted proponent of Indigenous genocide Sir John A. Macdonald to know he is deeply disappointed in them for not us…
Canada searches for new country to compare ourselves to now that U.S. is too sad
OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘this is f…
EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes
By Kent Gutterman As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating t…