I am a Frosh Party Animal
By Martin ‘Figs’ Figlinsky My friends, I have to tell you, this year’s frosh celebration was really awesome! The University of Toronto has really topped itself. This was by far one of…
Computer error preempted by smashing keyboard into monitor
WATERLOO, ON – A frustrating computer problem was avoided yesterday when Radioshack employee Mike Pasut, 27—in anticipation of a computer crash—quickly grabbed the keyboard off his desk and smash…
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend. Serious calls only. Inflatable love dolls OK. Call Herm, 416-555-3764…
U.S. Air Force stealth bomber too stealthy
(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) – Radar cannot detect it, and neither can the human eye. The U.S. Air Force’s top-secret stealth bomber, the C-THRU 117, a state-of-the-art aircraft so incredibly ste…
Cinnabon employee called ‘chief’
BURLINGTON, ON – A cashier at a local Cinnabon was addressed as ‘chief’ yesterday. Bill Pitkin, owner of an Oshawa-based landscaping company, had just finished a big meal at Eas…
Vernon Wells struggles with entrance music
TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells is in a slump, but it has nothing to do with his bat or his glove. The 31-year-old told reporters that he is profoundly troubled by t…
Pizza restaurant lost thousands trying to honour 40 minutes or it’s free guarantee over G20 weekend
TORONTO – A downtown Pizza Pizza franchise on Queen St. E. suffered thousands of dollars in lost sales over the weekend trying to honour its time guarantee of delivering a pizza in less tha…
Visiting Quebecer says Toronto’s G20 street party not as fun as St. Jean Baptiste celebrations
TORONTO – Toronto’s weekend G20 street party celebration failed to impress Quebecer Allain Duregard, 26, who visited Toronto Friday through Sunday. “It was alright, I suppose,” Duregard sai…
Machismo exhibited by carrying lots of groceries in one trip
TORONTO – Local resident Jeff Saunders impressed onlookers on Hartford Street when he carried fourteen bags of groceries from his car up to his apartment in one trip, sources reported last …
Guy on exercise bike increases workload to impress cute girl
ETOBICOKE, ON – While using an exercise bike at his local gym last Tuesday, Ryan Savage, an infrequent gym patron, increased the machine’s speed and resistance after noticing a cute girl wa…
